(Originally appeared in Radar on Nov. 13, 2007)
As the Thanksgiving holiday rapidly approaches, you may be experiencing a sense of looming dread. The holidays are a difficult time for even the happiest of families: There’s something about forced cheer, overheated dining rooms, and ample alcohol that make you just want to let loose and air all the secrets and grievances you’ve been harboring for so long. Still, you probably shouldn’t—it’s a long way to Sunday when you’ve revealed your career as “the tristate area’s most in-demand gay-for-pay digital short actor” on Thursday night. Here are 50 other things you might want to keep to yourself.
1. After my semester abroad, some of the things that Glenn Beck says make a lot of sense.
2. How much exactly would you guys be willing to pitch in for a clitorectomy?
3. We met on Adult Friend Finder.
4. We met at a NAMBLA mixer.
5. We met in the lower-level Port Authority restrooms.
6. Can we all go around and cop to some past molestation?
7. You all know that turkey is 17 percent rat meat, right?
8. This is Tony. He/She is my new life partner.
9. Darfur totally had it coming.
10. Roasting the turkey should kill off any herpetic virus obtained during preparation, right?
11. Turn up the TV—the sound of John Madden’s voice totally gets me off.
12. I’m just saying, if the N-word is now unacceptable, maybe it’s time we come up a new slur.
13. Just a little cranberry sauce for me. I totally overdid it on the meth this morning.
14. Remember Jason Biggs and that apple pie in American Pie? Well, it also works with turkey.
15. You’re all so disgustingly bourgeois. If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to Coldplay.
16. I read a really interesting article today that explained that the L-tryptophan in turkey is what makes you sleepy.
17. This is so going on my blog. This, plus the upskirt shots I’m taking under the table.
18. Looking hot! If you weren’t my older sister …
19. I’m hoping for a cross-party Dodd/Tancredo ticket.
20. It’s so great to have the whole family here, because I’d repressed all my negative familial ideations from childhood.
21. I hope no one minds that I invited Ian Ziering.
22. Who wants to see Bee Movie again after dinner?
23. College is so awesome.
24. Who wants to see my iPod?
25. I’ve accepted a job as a karaoke-themed reality-show producer.
26. I’d like to thank all of you for providing me with so much depression-memoir material.
27. Turkey? I just figured this year we’d order a bunch of Pizza Hut Oreo pizzas.
28. Packers–Lions, Jets–Cowboys, Colts–Falcons, plus four hours of pregame excitement. Maybe I’m overcompensating for my latent homosexuality, but that sounds like entertainment to me!
29. Man, I completely roasted my glutes today at the gym—feel.
30. Here’s everything I stole from the shelter today.
31. Got-damn, I’d love to be the Ann Curry meat in an Al Roker–Matt Lauer sandwich.
32. “Waited on a line of greens and blues ….” Sorry, was I singing out loud?
33. Would you guys prefer the stripper to arrive before or after dessert?
34. This reminds me of that Brady Bunch Thanksgiving episode, except without all the love.
35. I swear to God, if Grandpa tries to feel me up one more time …
36. If anyone finds a whole toenail with green fungus in the stuffing, it’s probably mine.
37. Waterboarding’s not that bad—we haze freshmen with it all the time.
38. So, Tuesday morning, I’m uploading to YouPorn, and …
39. Instead of grace, I’d like to read aloud my doctoral dissertation, Lost and Found: Antonymic Contradictions in Milton’s “Paradise Regained.”
40. Our real mother’s a better cook. Well, not really, but I hate you.
41. Our real father would let us stay up late. Actually, he wouldn’t—he’s kind of an asshole, too.
42. The spamming business is going great, thanks for asking.
43. I’m still in the development phase, but it’s sort of like Home For the Holidays meets Intergenerational Gangbangers #13.
44. So which one of you is the “crazy” uncle?
45. Your new breasts look amazing! At least the right one does.
46. I’ve got to take this call—it’s so hard to get hold of my dealer on the holidays.
47. Should I keep my maiden name or switch to Mencia?
48. Shh … I think this is the To Catch a Predator I’m in.
49. This is so much lamer than my Second Life Thanksgiving.
50. See you cocksuckers at Christmas.