(Originally appeared in Radar on Aug. 6, 2007)
Men will do anything for sex—even cybersex. In Second Life, the virtual-reality online environment populated by well over a million different users, one of the favorite pastimes is, predictably, sex. SL sex acts between “avatars,” user-modified animated characters, ranges from innocent cuddling to BDSM to the improbably acrobatic, and is generally accompanied by lascivious chat via the relatively old-fashioned technology of Instant Messaging.
But how far will desperate men go for some computerized lovin’? Radar contributing writer Teddy Wayne, comfortable with his heterosexuality, went undercover as a fiery-haired, pneumatically-proportioned female avatar named Radarette Writer. He had Second Life sex with several men, each time assuming a different—and thoroughly non-titillating—role-play fetish.
Transcripts have been edited for length and clarity. Spelling errors and grammatical mistakes have been preserved. Usernames have been changed to protect the corrupted innocent.
Go Forth and Multiply
The seduction of the student by the teacher is a time-honored pornographic tradition. What happens, though, when the teacher forgets about the seduction part?
Student: wanna take your clothes off?
Radarette: first you have to learn your times tables
Radarette: you must relearn your times tables
Student: yes .. i must
Radarette: what’s 7 times 7?
Radarette: very good. what’s the square root of 256?
Radarette: no, try again
Radarette: no. do you know what a square root is?
Radarette: or did you miss class that day, you naughty student?
Student: now but i’m rooting you now
Radarette: a square root S of a number X means that number S square (times itself) equals X
Radarette: therefore, what times itself equals 256?
Student: oh .. i naughty .. let play anoterh game
Radarette: no. you must get this right or you’ll never do well in life in a numbers-related field.
Radarette: if you won’t play along i can find somebody else
Student: no ..come back…16
Radarette: very good! ready for something a little…HARDER?
Student: yep ..
Radarette: Haretown and Tortoiseville are 50 miles apart. A hare travels at 9 miles per hour from Haretown to Tortoiseville, while a tortoise travels at 1 mile per hour from Tortoiseville to Haretown. If both set out at the same time, how many miles will the hare have to travel before meeting the tortoise en route?
Student: never .. tortoise never catches hare
Radarette: incorrect. put on your thinking cap!
Student: 9 miles
Radarette: no, but closer
Radarette: i’ll help you. is your pencil sharpened?
Student: was .. but needs sharpening again
Radarette: is it an Eberhard-Faber No. 2? because those are the best.
Student: man …does this get you off
Radarette: absolutely. i’m wet right now.
Student: tell me about it
Radarette: anyway, here’s a mechanical pencil that won’t break.
Radarette: let’s work on this together!
Radarette: how many miles apart are they at the start?
Radarette: and if the hare moves at 9 mph and the tortoise at 1 mph towards each other, how many mph are they moving as a unit?
Radarette: remember–they are moving TOWARDS each other
Radarette: very good! so, if they need to cover the distance of 50 miles and they’re moving 10mph, how many HOURS will it take until they meet?
Radarette: yes! therefore, if the hare moves at 9mph, and it takes him 5 hours, how many total miles does he cover?
Radarette: you’re getting rewarded for your answer
Radarette: 1/2 of my outfit is coming off
Student: mmm…ok .. put some pencil inmy lead
Radarette: why, did the mechanical pencil break?
Student: rode it too hard?
Radarette: that’s odd, i just ordered a whole gross of them from the school supplier
Radarette: anyway, are you ready for the final exam question? if you get it right, everything comes off.
Student: sure .. may need help tho
Radarette: have you considered going to the after-school peer mentor group?
Student: only if youre there…and tehy whip my ass
Radarette: no, it’s only peers, but they’re all very skilled in algebra and geometry.
Student: will you whip my ass
Student: i need to teach you afew lessons
Radarette: in algebra? i’m pretty sure two years of a Masters in math means that i know a lot more than Mr. C+ over here!
Radarette: here’s your final exam question:
Radarette: Tom’s father is 3 times old as Tom. 4 years ago, he was 4 times older. How old is Tom?
Student: mmm strugling
Radarette: you need to set up two different equations. remember we spent last month’s unit on multivariable algebra?
Radarette: you mean y=3x
Radarette: Tom = X, Tom’s father = Y
Radarette: the left side is correct, but the right side isn’t
Radarette: i’ll give you a hint: the right side needs a parenthesis
Student: strugging ..
Radarette: then maybe you’re not the math student i should be tutoring now–there are others who show more promise
Student: tutor me more
Radarette: what is 4 years ago, in terms of Tom’s age Y ?
Radarette: correct. what is 4 times that amount?
Radarette: yes! and what did you say 4 years ago was in terms of Tom’s father’s age X ?
Radarette: you mean X-4
Radarette: correct! now, what was the first equation you had?
Radarette: yes–so i want you to PLUG IN what x equals into the second equation
Radarette: so how old is Tom?
Radarette: no…Y=Tom’s age
Radarette: Excellent! See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Do you feel proud of yourself?
Student: sur edo .. now for you end of teh bargain
Radarette: did that get you off as much as it did for me?
Student: mmm .. i’d be lying to say i did
Radarette: really? because i’m all done over here…phew, what a session! you’re great, you know.
Radarette: here come my underpants
Radarette: there…wasn’t it all worth it?
Student: you still got clothes on…not now
Student: you feeling the heat bow?
Radarette: is that a trigonometry term?
Student: no .. i’m going to teach you ohysics
Radarette: i’m more a pure mathematics gal…have to run, but you were great. let’s work on some more word problems next time!
Student: se you around .. tease
Ah, the escapist allure of the Internet! You can be anyone in cyberspace: a beautiful princess, a hard-partying rock star, an Amazonian supermodel…or a stressed-out, middle-aged wife.
Radarette: let’s roleplay. you’re coming home from a long day of work
Hubby: mmm baby this is what I was waiting for all day
Radarette: you’re tired and hungry
Hubby: i slouch down on the couch waiting for my lovely woman to come and see how my day was
Radarette: i’ve reheated a bunch of leftovers that we’re kind of picking at for dinner
Hubby: i start to eat the whole time watching you and grinning thinking how lucky I am to have you.
Radarette: do you mind that the salad is kind of wilted?
Hubby: no the salad is fine hunny
Radarette: i tend not to saran-wrap the salads well so they often go bad after a day
Hubby: trust me I love everything you make
Radarette: thanks. i had a day, let me tell you. my mother kept calling and asking why she didn’t have any grandchildren yet
Hubby: hahaha, she isn’t going to be happy until she gets some is she?
Radarette: she says i’m too old now
Hubby: well your mother has no idea what she is talking about, because there is nothing old about you
Radarette: yeah, i’m like, “mom, 43 is NOT too old!”
Hubby: well how about we prove your mother wrong and work on getting her those grandchildren?
Radarette: i’d almost like to have kids, THEN give them away for adoption, just to spite her
Hubby: then she would just call you all the time and harass you about why did you give her grandchildren away
Radarette: regardless, i’m still on the pill, so it’s not happening anytime soon. plus the pill is drying me out something fierce.
Radarette: then at the hard candy factory, my coworker janine kept slacking off and i had to do her job for her
Hubby: i told you if you want me to have Janine taken care of all you have to do is ask
Radarette: she’s just jealous because she and bill have been fighting lately
Hubby: well hopefully they can get it together
Radarette: now we’re done with dinner, and guess what’s next?
Hubby: you know I hate it when you make me guess honey
Hubby: what came in the mail today?
Radarette: we have two options: “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days” or “Friends,” season five
Hubby: let’s go with Friends
Radarette: that’s what i wanted, too! i LOVE phoebes, and that chandler is so funny with his wisecracks
Hubby: phobe and joey crack me up
Radarette: should we watch all 22 episodes in a row and go all…night…long?
Hubby: i’m up for a marathon.
Radarette: i’ll make the no-salt popcorn. i have to watch my sodium intake.
Hubby: i’ll go melt some butter
Radarette: no, i can’t have any butter, either.
Hubby: the butter is for me
Radarette: aren’t you going to sacrifice on my behalf?
Hubby: alright alright no butter. what do we have to drink?
Radarette: we have diet ocean spray cranberry juice, for that yeast infection i had last week, and o’douls, since i don’t drink
Hubby: i’ll get a glass of water. i’ll set up the dvd player.
Radarette: i want you to SLIDE the “Friends” disc into the player and make the show COME on
Hubby: hmmmm that sounds like a two person job to me
Radarette: ok, i’m OPENING up the DVD PACKAGE…you PRESS the EJECT button…
Radarette: the damn thing won’t open. i thought you got it repaired last weekend?
Hubby: i did hold on there is something stuck in here.
Radarette: is that copy of my Shaker Heights cousin’s bar mitzvah video still inside?
Hubby: that’s what it is.
Hubby: well let me put one of these friends discs in. any particular episode you want to watch
Radarette: that one, i forget the episode, where ross pines for rachel, and i think joey says something stupid in front of everyone, and phoebe responds with a kind of quirky line, and then i recall monica cleans up and chandler says something very witty about all of it. do you know the one i’m talking about?
Hubby: i know exactly which one you are talkign about I think that is on disc 2
Radarette: nothing i love more than sitting on my couch with my man, watching “Friends,” season 5
Radarette: wait, the DVD is skipping
Hubby: hold on. presses eject, inspects the dvd. it’s scratched
Radarette: do you want me to BLOW on it?
Hubby: i think it might help
Radarette: wait, my mother bought us a DVD repair kit for my birthday last year. it might work better
Hubby: where is it?
Radarette: look in the closet, underneath my exercise ball
Hubby: opens closet and bends over to pick up the exercise ball
Radarette: don’t rearrange the closet too much, i spent all of yesterday organizing it
Hubby: okay. moves the ball out of the way ahh here it is
Radarette: put the ball back EXACTLY where it was
Hubby: yes honey, gives you a playful scwol
Radarette: now repair the “Friends” DVD. don’t mess it up more or we’ll have to buy it from Netflix
Hubby: you really enjoy busting my balls don’t you ; )
Radarette: it looks like you finally fixed something, for once. put it back in the DVD and see if it works.
Hubby: puts the dvd back into the player presses play
Radarette: it’s working. did you hear what chandler just said? “could i BE any more upset?” lol!
Hubby: you and your chandler
Radarette: i’m getting sleepy…
Hubby: would you like a foot rub
Radarette: i’m falling asleep…are you?
Hubby: mmm hmmm
Radarette: …sets the alarm for 5:30 a.m. so i can make it to the hard candy factory in time for janine’s shift…
Hubby: don’t cover for Janine just sleep in and leave when I do at 6:30
Radarette: i have to, she’s covering for me next weekend when we go to my nephew’s bris in Scarsdale.
Hubby: alright but don’t do her work when she is there
Radarette: okay…falls asleep.
Hubby: good night. lightly kisses you on the lips and wraps arm around you
Radarette: farts softly and contentedly.
Radarette: that was great, baby. let’s do it again sometime.
Hubby: it was fun bye
Behind every insecure starlet is a whipped boyfriend.
Radarette: i’m Nicole Richie, and you’re my boyfriend, Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden
Joel: but your peregnant
Radarette: with your child, baby. i can’t wait to have it.
Joel: hmmmmm…i loved givingit to you
Radarette: and now that i’m pregnant we don’t have to use any birth control
Joel: i would love to come inside of you
Radarette: before we do that, though, i should tell you that my ex, DJ AM, has been calling me a lot lately
Joel: does he own a gun…if so i need to contact my body guard
Radarette: no, but he’s jealous seeing us all over US Weekly and on Page 6
Joel: if he is jealous he was not doing it right
Radarette: wait…Paris is calling. Should I pick up?
Joel: no for once make her wait
Joel: why do i have no control here this sim
Radarette: true. she gets everything. i’m glad she was in jail.
Joel: hmmmm… dont forget you have your hearing dont wish too much
Joel: but i will protect you to the very end
Radarette: do you think this baby is going to make me fat?
Joel: not the way your body works heck no
Radarette: so you’re still attracted to me more than you are to Lindsay?
Joel: heck ya…she is not my type…seriously
Radarette: because she’s getting more attention now that she’s out of rehab
Joel: im with the right one…linsey does nothing for me
Radarette: sometimes i get insecure
Joel: dont be…your the one…believe me
Joel: this sim sucks
Radarette: but i’ve dropped on the recent E! top 100 hotties list
Joel: come with me
Joel: your #1 on my list isnt tht all that should mater
Joel teleported me to a waterfall-and-wading pool paradise.
Joel: start slow…u like that huh
Radarette: do you think i’ll ever be ranked higher than jessica or scarlett or angelina or eva?
Joel: why do you care so much we are having a faimly your still in demand
Radarette: you don’t understand the pressure of having your body constantly scrutinized in magazines and on TV
Joel: you have the most amzing body when your not throwing up to look non existant
Radarette: that’s not funny
Radarette: you know i’m insecure about what people say about me
Joel: yes but stop trying so hard to make everyone else happy & start looking in the dame mirror
Joel: your hot
Radarette: i see puffy eyes, chipmunk cheeks, and an 86-pound body that could easily lose a few
Joel: 86 pound body thta could loose a few did you hear youself
Radarette: i want to get down to 83
Joel: not a good look for you
Joel: especially with child
Joel: think of the child if not you
Joel: by the way you have a hot av[atar]
Radarette: after the kid, obviously. though i don’t want this child to weigh more than 5 lbs. 6 ounces when born. especially if it’s a girl.
Joel: & if its a boy
Radarette: maybe 6 lbs. i don’t want a porker that the tabloids will make fun of.
Joel: porker…give me your definition i must know
Radarette: a woman over 90 lbs. is a verifiable hog.
Joel: that means even paris the string bean is a porker
Joel: you really believe that
Radarette: yes, she is! i’m glad someone else agrees.
Joel: im not agreeing here, not for a second
Radarette: i thought you said you think i’m more attractive?
Joel: she is far from fat & neither are you
Joel: you are to me yes i did
Radarette: i don’t know if i believe you now
Joel: i like you betrter i said…i could have had paris. i chose you.
Radarette: does that mean she’s been calling you?
Joel: we talk, mostly about you…is that ok
Joel: ites hormonnal…your with child
Radarette: i know, but right now, for instance, a paparazzi is trailing our car to take pictures of me—not of you. you don’t understand what it’s like.
Joel: f it
Joel: who the heck cares
Radarette: get rid of this paparazzi, baby. take care of him for me.
Joel: ok let me have the wheel
Joel: i know a turn off
Joel: see i lost them
Radarette: no, there’s another one!
Joel: parks the car
Joel: let me make a call…relax
Radarette: baby, do you think “The Simple Life” will do better in ratings this season than last?
Joel: ok hes leaving better
Joel: just be yourself…it will do fine
Radarette: we’re losing the 18-24 demographic
Joel: dont worry show a little more leg it will be back quick
Radarette: i’m trying to synergize it with my upcoming perfume line, but the E! execs are worried about product placement
Joel: get a new merchandizing manager
Joel: how did you like tht move
Joel: gues you didn’t…still wont undress
Joel: so how many promised episodes did you sign for
Radarette: 22 episodes
Joel: nice…remember just show some leg & some attitude which is your thing & all will come to yuo
Radarette: i guess so. you really made me feel better, baby! thanks, i’m so glad we found each other.
Radarette: let me give you a big kiss to thank you
Joel: me too…feel better
Radarette: this was a great session. really got off. maybe we can do it again sometime.
Joel: sure, why not
Radarette: ok, take care
Joel: that it
Joel: give me a break
We are breaching patient-doctor confidentiality by releasing this transcript with a Clooney-wannabe Second Life MD.
Radarette: i’m feeling feverish, doctor. what should i do?
Doctor: I need to take your temperature. open wide
Radarette: which opening?
Doctor: let’s start with your mouth and I’ll just slip this in
Doctor: hmmmm…very hot…you’ll need to take your top off
Doctor: actually, it is very warm anyway
Radarette: i’ve been breaking out with hives lately in warm weather
Doctor: have u been scratching?
Radarette: yes, scratching all over
Doctor: oh dear
Radarette: the hives are like large welts, really
Doctor: are they ALL over?
Radarette: yes, except for my elbows and knees, because the skin is dead there
Doctor: that’s because the skin is soft elsewhere and needs attention
Radarette: i’ve been taking various steroids to stop them, like prednisone, but they’re making me gain weight
Radarette: i’m looking into homeopathic remedies–i’m really at the end of my rope
Doctor: a tender touch is all that is required
Doctor: but u need to be relaxed
Radarette: unfortunately, i’ve found that physical contact tends to exacerbate the symptoms
Doctor: what sort of physical contact? reveal all
Radarette: any kind, really. exertion and sweat really brings the hives out.
Doctor: I thnk I need to refer you to my private clinic
Radarette: oh yeah, refer me, baby
Doctor: it’s expensive I’m afriad
Radarette: do you take COBRA health insurance?
Doctor: and only for a priviledged few
Radarette: what’s your co-pay?
Doctor: 1:1 personal treatment
Radarette: i’m worried you won’t take my insurance?
Doctor: well, yours is a serious case, so I might have to
Radarette: can we work out some other form of payment?
Doctor: what have u in mind?
Radarette: perhaps Medicaid.
Doctor: not on my list
Doctor: my juristiction is purely scotland
Radarette: what if i bought travel insurance?
Doctor: well, do you want to go to those lengths?
Radarette: yes. i must treat these hives. they’re making me seriously depressed.
Doctor: well you have a few options
Doctor: bronze care. I take out the assistance here in front of everyone
Doctor: silver care option : a private location
Doctor: or gold care: the ultimate 1:1, beyond sl 😉
Radarette: is there a middle ground between silver and gold if my insurance doesn’t cover it?
Doctor: hmmm…well, depends on our personal facilities
Radarette: what kind of treatment would you recommend for the hives?
Doctor: involves a lot of rubbing
Doctor: probably would have to show you
Radarette: i told you, physical contact makes the hives worse
Doctor: well, its a serious cae of phisys sombrosis
Doctor: with a touch os lubinous lackdosis
Doctor: which all means you need cream
Radarette: what kind of cream?
Doctor: a biologic cream…its a personal recipe
Radarette: well, the hives are caused by a degranulation of mast cells and eosinophils
Radarette: so what do you recommend in your expert opinion?
Doctor: yes, but they are being excacebated by a combination of stress and over exposure to subinny synchronous
Doctor: there is only one solution I can recommend
Radarette: 800mg of prednisone per day?
Doctor: too late for that
Radarette: i really think the prednisone is the best option right now
Doctor: I can only offer advice, but stimulation would be good
Radarette: in the past prednisone has reduced the hives to just across my chest, back, and legs
Radarette: thus allowing me to wear short-sleeved shirts without fear of public humiliation
Doctor: but if you want that bikin then radical action is required
Radarette: sometimes it gets so bad i can’t leave the house for weeks. i just stay home every night and cry myself to sleep.
Doctor: no need, solution at hand
Doctor: actually, hands
Radarette: ok, i’ll let you do bronze care
Doctor: follow me then. how big are the hives
Radarette: the size of silver dollars
Doctor: whoa, u need special immediatae treatment
Doctor: straight to the emergency
Radarette: how much does the ambulance cost?
Doctor: let’ worry about that later
Radarette: you certain it won’t be one of those cases where i think it’s free now, then i get a bill for $700 next month and my COBRA doesn’t pay for anything?
Doctor: so long as you recommend my services I could help u for free
Radarette: because that happened once when i accidentally ate a peanut and had to be rushed to the ER
Doctor: you can get direct treatment on my profile
Doctor: but it is limited to the closest of clients only
Radarette: do you require 24 hours’ cancellation or else you charge for the appointment?
Doctor: no, those clients on the reserved list have 24 hr call service
Radarette: i love it when you put me on the preferred list and waive co-pay fees
Doctor: but u need to act fast
Radarette: you mean because these hives are concomitant with severe depression and suicidal ideation?
Doctor: absolutely. you know, u should be a dr yourself
Doctor: in fact, I have this problem which nobody can resolve
Radarette: which is what?
Doctor: well, it’s embarrassing, really, as a dr
Doctor: my arm seems to jolt upwards
Doctor: when I have caffeine
Doctor: silly really.
Doctor: anyway back to your problems
Doctor: if you visit my clinic I think I can help
Doctor: and get you back on all fours
Doctor: I mean feet
Radarette: i wouldn’t want to be on all fours because i have arthritic knees
The good doctor provided me with his email address at the end of our session for a follow-up consultation.